Always about the body

**TW: mention of disordered habits around exercise and food**

I’ve been on the sliding scale of active to very active for a few years now. My exercise story is quite the long one, but it all really started around the age of 14. My first “workouts” were those 7 minute HIIT sessions one could find online or on apps (I found one dedicated to 7 minute workouts, which looking back seems very specific), and I built it up from there.

As I went on, I got into longer workouts, mainly online, and I got a bit of a leg-day, core-day, arms-day routine going. I did a lot of cardio too between dancing and running, and while on the surface of it this may seem manageable and fit, it wasn’t.

I suppose it could be said that I have an addictive personality. Like many others, I sought a fixation for (perhaps) some element of control, although I do believe that it is much more complex than that. My fixation was exercise, which led to both mental and physical effects. The question here is this: how did exercise become so harmful?

A mental attitude

I tend to latch to things. Whether it be a group of people or an activity, a sudden passion for a hobby or new daily routine, I’ve certainly had my ups-and-downs in enthusiasm for certain things. Particularly endeavours in writing, but I don’t necessarily think it unusual to have multiple unfinished projects.

Unless there is a routine of it (and god forbid anything messes with said routine), I will either end up not doing something (usually little tasks) or becoming very “into it” for about a day or two and then having no desire for it at all. One example is origami, where I had a good few solid days of pure love for it, before falling off the band-wagon. I’ll still pick it up every so often, but I’m much more likely to do the things I always do in my spare time, like read a book or write. There’s a routine to it.

This brings me back to the exercise. Having kept a regular exercise routine, with edits here and there, for the past five years, I struggled to approach a week or so off without a feeling of apprehension. Now, a week, two weeks, off a regular routine won’t be hugely detrimental to where you’re at, whether training is cardio or hypertrophy targeted. For me, I even worry over a day out.

There is something to be said for how exercise makes one feel. After a couple of days without a routine, I can feel quite groggy. I love exercising in the mornings because it gives me that boost before the workday begins. I would also spend the entirety of the day thinking about my afternoon or evening workout, with the added pressure of needing to do it at a certain time, self-dictated or not.

But is this something I am telling myself, or actually the case?

Exercise certainly does make me feel more awake, and that is real effect even if there is some element of placebo. Scientifically, it’s been proven that moving your body boosts mood and energy, and I think it’s important to focus on how exercise makes you feel.

This is my greatest stumbling block. Having been gauging my exercise by its aesthetic effects for most of the time I’ve been doing it, it’s difficult to unpick this way of thinking. Ideals are set up for us by the people and the society around us, particularly in the advent of social media. This is a well-trodden path, but it is true that expectations of what a body should look like are about us constantly, and it’s important to note that this isn’t a new phenomenon. Magazines, films, and TV from decades ago, even the novels of pre-1900, show some element of aesthetic bias. Still, while we know this, it is easier said than done to release ourselves of these expectations.

From the beginning, I thought of exercise not as a tool for health but as a way to lose weight. This, of course, is one of the reasons why many people get into it, and goal setting is also important, but exercise is so variable that we should look at it on a case-by-case basis. It is a personal pursuit, where one workout routine will look different for different people, and comparing oneself to others, while guaranteed, is not always conducive to the optimum for the individual. My relationship with exercise was not good for me, because it focused on the very thing that led me down a dangerous path. It also affected how I viewed rest, since, in my mind, more time taken out correlated to a heightened risk of weight gain.

Shifting my perception of exercise has been a constant issue. It is only really in the last year or so that I’ve truly stepped more into how it makes me feel, focusing in on the gaining of strength and how a run lifts my spirits. This does not mean that all is “fixed” (and I don’t think it ever will be 100%); I still check how I look in every mirror that I pass, and it feels an effort to stop myself.

Nutrition

Another thing that lingers is food noise. This phrase has come up frequently in recent months, and I think it’s key to define it on an individual basis. Different experiences breed different kinds of food noise, and for myself it has (like exercise) been an ongoing battle.

It is hard to describe the thoughts that can whip around your head regarding food to those who haven’t experienced it. It is essential to discuss these things, and by people being open to hearing what others have to say, we can achieve a greater sense of understanding, both societally and on the personal level. There is a lot of messaging about us that can encourage or spark food thoughts, even if said with no intent to make someone uncomfortable. Sometimes I have mornings or afternoons where I can just get on with my work, being fully engaged and not having eating cross my mind at all. It won’t be a full day — there’s always something — but I’ve come up with mechanisms to help. For example, I’ll always bring a snack out with me, otherwise I might spend a lot of mental energy thinking of having or finding one. The more hungry I am, the more I struggle to make a choice, and I know now that letting myself get to that point is not feasible for the anxiety it causes.

The way I interact with and think of food is much better than it used to be, but it has been an incremental process. Sometimes there are big changes in perspective, both for exercise and food, such as my recent trip to Liverpool. I think there is a social element to this; when you’re comfortable, the anxiety doesn’t seem so bad.

But that is not to say that it just disappeared. Not at all, and I spent time throughout the week considering amounts of things, making calculations in my head, as I do virtually every day.

I swap in my view of food. Mostly, I’m in the “it’s the content not the amount” camp, focusing on variation from a health perspective rather than looking at nutrition through a purely aesthetic lens. There is the other side, considering amount and not content, but I wonder overall if it’s the combination of the two that comes as the winner. If I set rules, it doesn’t end well; if I say “never” to something, it becomes the next obsession.

As with exercise, this is individualised. One person on one diet won’t be the same as another who eats and exercises exactly the same. It is hard to not compare, as everything is perceived on its surface-level, but I hope it is something we can agree should be dismantled. There are many out there who think this way, knowing the truth behind it but falling into the more rigid structure we know so well (myself included).

What is exercise good for?

I love working out. I’ve found recently that I enjoy being part of a class or group, since it pushes you on but also adds a social element that I’d been lacking in the past. I also enjoy my lone work, be it going on a run with my music on or some morning yoga. Balance is the word, and while it aggravates me sometimes, likely from some deep instilled bitterness that it feels a bit unachievable, it is the way forward.

Due to my aesthetic focus, I’d never considered the importance of how exercise affects my brain health and other functions of my body that are not directly perceivable. It is a wonderful thing to move, and I love being active. It makes me feel happy, it relieves my mind for even half an hour of the more mentally taxing tasks, it is an opportunity to socialise. These are the greatest wins.

I am not cured of my conflicted intentions for exercise, but things are plodding in the right direction.